Mid Season Sorrow
Tracy Lee • May 15, 2020
Some people may think that since Thanksgiving has passed, a survivor’s spirits should recover from the sadness of being without their loved one for the holiday. Realistically, this is not usually the case. Even though family and friends have returned to their homes and work, the survivor remains suspended in their loneliness. Recovery work generally calls for extensive support throughout the entire holiday season, as well as for quite sometime thereafter.
If you have recently lost a loved one, or know someone who has, here are a few holiday ideas that may be helpful for getting through the season. The most uncomfortable thing for friends and extended family to do is probably the most comforting thing they can do. It is to acknowledge the decedent’s absence. Whether you say the decedent’s name or not, the survivor is thinking of him or her; mentioning them acknowledges their importance and allows the survivor an opportunity to release his or her stress. If the survivor begins to cry, realize that crying is a stress reliever. Your actions did not cause the survivor’s sorrow, the tears were already there. Your thoughtfulness may have presented an opportunity to allow the survivor’s stress to manifest itself in an atmosphere of comfort, support, and love. Although their sadness and loneliness remain, releasing their stress allows them a better opportunity to engage in the present, and moves their recovery forward.
My second suggestion is closely related to the first. In acknowledging the physical absence of the decedent, one might prominently place a picture or meaningful object in honor of the decedent within the celebration area. Prior to marrying my sweetheart, I served a mission in the country of France. During the holiday season, the French observe a wonderful tradition of placing nativity figurines around their homes. Unlike the traditional American nativity, the French nativity includes likenesses of common people. Their nativities are constructed of the red clay harvested from the Southern Provence. They are called santones. Santones are placed all around the home and each day the children move them a little closer to the manger. By Christmas Eve, all of the santones are surrounding the manger. The next morning, Christmas morning, baby Jesus is placed in the manger. The moral of the tradition demonstrates that the people of the world must give up their natural characters and replace them through Christ’s grace. During my time in France, I noticed that certain families added small framed photographs or tokens of love representing their deceased loved ones to their nativity collections. By Christmas morning, their loved ones were gathered with the rest of the santones, at the manger of their infant Savior, to rejoice in his birth and grace. It was a lovely tradition that brought great comfort and hope to the survivors, and took much the discomfort surrounding death and separation out of the season.
My third suggestion is to acknowledge and observe family traditions even if the driving force behind the tradition was the decedent. On Monday of last week, I received a visit from a client who had just lost his wife a few weeks prior. He came to discuss a tradition that had been observed in his family since the beginning of his marriage. His loving wife had traditionally cooked sweet rolls for her children and grandchildren for Thanksgiving breakfast. He said that his grandchildren had come to him expressing a lack of enthusiasm for Thanksgiving and that they had proposed just skipping it this year. He wanted my thoughts on the matter.
I told him that experiencing the holidays after the death of a loved one is like falling off of a horse. You have to get right back up, dust yourself off, and climb back on. If his family skipped Thanksgiving, Christmas would slap them next. I suspected his wife also traditionally cooked sweet rolls for Christmas breakfast, I was right. Skipping the holidays would be an invitation for continued denial and complicated grief. If his family followed through with their suggestion, I felt confident that following years of holiday cheer would suffer until eventually there may be no cheer at all. As his wife had been a dear friend of mine, I felt strongly that she would not want such a difficult situation manifesting itself for her family. By the time he left my home, he was confident in my opinion. Together we preserved his wife’s tradition of a holiday sweet roll breakfast and quite possibly thwarted a potentially complicated recovery scenario for his children and grandchildren. Continuing to observe family traditions is important and helps to strengthen, rather than weaken, family bonds.
My fourth suggestion is to develop new traditions in honor of the decedent. My daughter has a friend that lost an infant sibling when she was a child. Her friend’s family began a tradition that although it brings tears to my heart, has served to mend the tears within their own. At the beginning of the holiday season, when everyone is out shopping and putting up trees, this family lovingly places a small pair of their deceased infant’s shoes outside of his closed bedroom door. It is a tradition centered around tiny shoes that represent a tiny child, but its healing impact has been enormous. His tiny shoes reserve a space in the home, holiday, and hearts of those who loved him. They allow his family to take a moment and reflect upon their love for him and offer assurances that he was, and remains, a part of their lives and family. In return, his tiny shoes reflect back to his family the love their Savior has for them, and offer confidence that he resides in His presence. It allows them to celebrate the most significant birth ever known to mankind and quietly shares peace on earth within the hollowness of their hearts.
Holidays are always days that cause pause within the hearts of survivors. As such, it is incumbent upon us to resolve our lives and restructure them in such a way that allows us to exist without the physical presence of our loved ones beside us. Acknowledging the loss, pain, and loneliness is the first step toward recovery. Traditions and holidays help us move the pain and loneliness we suffer into a more manageable scenario of cherished memories.
Throughout this holiday season, if you chance upon a suffering survivor, please remember my holiday suggestions. Although you may feel awkward at first, eventually you will see great rewards from incorporating them into your holiday traditions and celebrations.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and certified grief counselor. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.