MIGRANES, MEDICATION, AND MOURNING

Have you ever suffered a migraine headache? I have. In fact, I have suffered a migraine headache for the last four days.

Migraine headaches are the worst type of headache. Well, probably not as bad as brain cancer, but migraines are the most dreaded for just regular headaches.

I have lived on pain relievers for the last five days. If I let the medication lapse, I can feel the pain and dizziness in my head, ringing in my ears, light sensitivity in my eyes, the tension in my neck and shoulders, nausea in my tummy, and the tingling in my fingers return. I don't know what causes migraines, but I know that the pain reliever that I take does not eradicate it; it simply masks it until the cause disappears.

Migraines are similar to grief. Suppose you take medication to mask the pain and other symptoms of distress. As soon as the medication wears off, your grief returns. Unfortunately, with grief, as time moves on, the pain gets worse. It may also bring on additional issues that range from minor to debilitating. The most common prescription drugs prescribed for grief are anti-depressants.

GRIEF BRIEF 309

GRIEF MEDICATIONS - CAN ANTI-DEPRESSANTS HELP

Normal grief does not warrant the use of anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants cannot treat the underlying cause of grief, which is loss.

Anti-depressants delay the mourning process.

Anti-depressants encourage complicated grief. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

The cause of your grief is the loss of your loved one. Anti-depressants cannot return your loved one to you. Continued use of anti-depressants or other medications only serves to delay your grief. It may cause you additional problems later on.

GRIEF BRIEF 87

Delaying grief

Delaying your grief does not eradicate it.

Delaying your grief only serves to extend and exacerbate your experience.

Delayed grief becomes complicated grief.

Once a survivor enters into a state of complicated grief, other issues come into play.

Often a survivor suffering complicated grief develops physical ailments.

These ailments, if left unattended, can turn into disease.

The same holds true for psychological ailments.

Even with treatment, if the underlying issue of grief is not addressed, these issues will become recurring. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Some mourners seek other avenues to avoid their grief experience.

GRIEF BRIEF 88

Distracters & Maskers

Some mourners try to minimize or avoid their grief with distracters and/or maskers.

Popular distracters include food, excessive exercise, anger, isolation, sex, shopping, work, movies, books, and TV.

Popular maskers include alcohol, prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs, and illegal drugs.

Self-medicating is never appropriate as it has a tendency to take control of your life and in no way contributes to recovery.

It may also be very dangerous to your health and wellbeing.

If you find that you are spending excessive hours on the aforementioned distracters, you might reevaluate your coping skills.

At some point, you need to realize that you are delaying your grief experience and that it may soon turn into complicated grief. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

The best thing to do for grief is to realize that your grief is caused because you loved someone who is now gone. Love is wonderful. It is a spiritual gift and undeniable. The best thing you can do with your love is to share it.

Sharing your love with another is a human gift. It honors your decedent, brings you comfort, and improves someone else's life. My favorite way to share love is to help others by serving them. Rendering service to others during their difficulties allows me to forget my woes and brings me joy.

GRIEF BRIEF 210

SERVICE

Service to others brings instant movement away from the pain and anguish of grief.

It moves your focus from the pain you suffer to the needs of others.

This redirection of focus brings progress to your life. It allows your heart, mind, and efforts to carry your soul back to a meaningful and peaceful existence.

Service will not shrink the significance of your loss; it merely shrinks your focus on that loss.

Shrinking your focus shrinks your pain.

"Your focus of mind, paired with your actions of service, work in concert to enlarge your ability to experience joy and peace once again.

With that in mind, service should be your go-to treatment for recovery." (Mourning Coffee for the Mourning Soul, Tracy Lee)

(Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Another thing that I find beneficial is the creation and observance of traditions.

GRIEF BRIEF 42

TRADITIONS

Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still through the activities and love we shared together.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

My last two suggestions for recovery aim to bring you the comfort you need instantly. Their application relieves your stress the moment you use them.

GRIEF BRIEF 212

SAYING AND HEARING YOUR LOVED ONE'S NAME

Saying and hearing your loved one's name is essential to grief recovery.

Unfortunately, friends, family, and acquaintances are unaware that speaking your loved one's name actually has a healing effect and, therefore, avoid the mere mention of it.

Avoidance seems the natural discipline for those who have not endured significant loss.

Help them overcome this awkward concept by being the ice breaker.

Consciously strive to be the first person at any event to say your loved one's name.

Offer a funny story or interesting fact about them so that everyone will feel more at ease and can engage in pleasant conversation without fear of increasing your anguish.

At first, this practice will be challenging. You may shed tears or need to pause. However, doing this may increase the speed of your recovery and assist you in moving yourself into your new reality much quicker than expected. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

GRIEF BRIEF 34

SHARE YOUR STORY

Mourners want and need, most of all, to talk about their loss.

They need to work through what has happened to them.

Talking with someone who knows them and will not judge them allows them to:

a) accept that death has happened,

b) realize that there is a new reality in which they must function, and

c) redirects them to work out their road to recovery.

(Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Please consider these suggestions to assist yourself and relieve the undeniable pain of grief. The last 12 months of my life have been filled with personal losses. I would be unable to continue functioning were it not for these suggestions. I hope they help you as they have helped me.

< Older Post Newer Post >

John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.