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Mikey Joe XVIII - A Parents Guide to Childhood Grief
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
My youngest grandson died one and a half years ago. His birth date was also his death date. This journey of being a survivor has not been an easy one. Although we were blessed with his birth, his eyes closed, and our hearts were broken.
His siblings, babies themselves, have had a rough go of it. At the time of his death, his older brother was only three years old and his sweet sister, only one. Initially, although we explained death to them, they did not understand what was going on. Over this past year and a half, they have come to realize more and more, the tragedy to their family.
I have learned many lessons through this experience, most of all, that I don’t like it. Being a surviving grandmother is painful to my soul, it is confusing to my mind, and above all else, it is an open wound that disrupts my happiness.
I don’t know how my daughter and son-in-law carry on. Their hearts carry a burden of grief that is crushingly invasive. They put on a strong face, but in times of silence, grief ebbs forward, and I can see their pain.
As my grandchildren grow physically, they also mature psychologically. Each day they learn and understand more about science, mathematics, the world around them, and yes, even death. My grandson, now five, understands more deeply his profound loss. He misses his little brother, particularly in the quiet moments of the day, and as he drifts off to sleep at night. When something wonderful happens, it is overshadowed because he understands that he is unable to share it with his baby brother.
He has become very watchful over his baby sister. He is protective and loving toward her. He doesn’t seek moments away from her, as some siblings do. He does not try to take his toys away from her when she is playing with them. He lovingly shares everything he has and every moment he can with her. He is a wonderful, loving, and compassionate big brother.
Little sister is now two. She misses her baby brother and speaks of him daily. She asks questions to understand better why he is not at home with them. She wants to share her moments with him, her toys, and her love. Watching my two grandchildren grow up without their little brother is heartbreaking.
I have learned so much about the way children grieve over this past year and a half. I have also learned that most adults, if not all, are ill-equipped to assist children who are surviving loss. Moreover, if the surviving child is the deceased child’s sibling, their parent(s) will most likely be lost in a tsunami of grief and utterly incapable of assisting the surviving child through the experience - especially at the onset. This is unacceptable. A person should never survive loss without understanding and assistance from others. This is most profoundly applicable to families who have lost children.
My life’s work is to comfort the bereaved and help them live on. This past year, I have realized that my mission has grown. The death of my grandson has shown me that my grandchildren need uniquely targeted recovery assistance as they mature through the stages of childhood development. Therefore, my life’s work has expanded to include helping adults understand that children need unique, targeted, and ongoing assistance through their years of development and growth.
I am a certified grief counselor. I have received extensive education on how humans grieve. A portion of my training has included the grieving processes of children. I understand the confusions of a grieving toddler, the struggles of a grieving preschooler, and the complexities of a grieving preadolescent/adolescent. Unfortunately, society does not recognize a child’s grief. Our culture validates our ignorance of the reality of their needs, and our fears render us ill-equipped to assist them through recovery.
My personal loss has broadened my knowledge of childhood grief beyond my formal education. I have learned through the sufferings of my grandchildren that children need assistance through each stage of development, not only at the onset but perhaps years beyond. As a child matures, he/she develops a more profound understanding of the realities of loss. Their deeper understanding brings on more complex psychological struggles, which, if left unattended, may result in negative consequences (physically and mentally) up to, and including, premature death or suicide. Their loss is relived at each stage of development, relative to his/her cognitive advancement. Therefore, recovery must be addressed and nurtured as the child’s mind matures, understands, and experiences - more realistically - the consequences of loss.
During loss, adults are grief-stricken. They are overwhelmed in fighting their struggles of grief while they seek recovery. Their consuming struggles leave their surviving children unattended at a time when support is crucial. Automatically, others will step in and see to the physical needs of minors. Sadly though, caregiving adults will most likely be unable to attend to the spiritual, psychological, and emotional needs of the surviving children. This situation leaves the door wide open for maladjustments. Intuitively, without grief support, a child will begin living in silence and fear resulting in devastating feelings of abandonment. Naturally, they will start seeking a significant person to whom they can become attached in order to preserve feelings of security, love, and acceptance. More times than not, these relationships significantly draw the attending adult away from his/her life’s responsibilities. Eventually, the attending adult must return his/her primary focus back to his/her responsibilities of work, duty, and survival. This necessary adjustment results in an abandonment of the surviving child. Unfortunately, the child’s future relationships will most likely adopt this debilitating template of dependency with a dysfunctional attachment/abandonment pattern.
As parents, we try to shield our children from the realities of grief; this is a disservice to them and quite impossible. As adults, our judgments are based on facts, so too are those made by children. We must be honest and deliver absolute truth to children based on their level of understanding. As their understanding expands, so too must the information upon which we deliver.
As parents, we are the role models for our children’s methods of mourning. We must not abandon them in their need for crucial support. We must allow them to ask questions about their thoughts, feelings, fears, and interpretations, as well as enable them to openly and honestly express their grief. If we fail to do so, their lives will be filled with debilitating anguish. They will most likely seek to either end their lives or inflict their pain on others. Neither scenario is fair to the child nor desired by their parent(s).
In expressing their grief, children must be allowed to ask questions with an expectation of respect and receiving a truthful reply. They must be enabled to display their sadness, cry, and express their anger and frustration. They must be assured of their security, and at all times, receive nurturing love and respect.
Unlike adulthood, childhood is the appropriate time for developing and mastering the skills of proper and respectful behavior. Therefore, an adult may find a surviving child in need of gentle guidance in anger and frustration management. This need does not justify punitive or disciplinary abuse. Additionally, under the pressures of grief recovery, the adult may find that their skills of anger and frustration management are somewhat compromised. If you find that you lack the necessary skills to control yourself or to gently assist the child, seeking professional guidance is essential. Immediately separate yourself from the child before you inflict any physical or psychological harm.
Many adults believe that children do not mourn, or that they may be shielded from death. This is untrue; it is a myth. Death is a part of life, and whether you like it or not, your children will experience it in varying degrees. Children mourn and need understanding, guidance, and assistance during recovery. In the event of familial or significant death, adults cannot shield children from their reality. Children will suffer grief regardless of our actions to spare them from it. We may, however, positively affect the outcome if we adequately address the occurrence. If we fail in this sacred calling, our children will suffer devastating adaptations and dangerous consequences.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.