MISS ROSIE

A traditional funeral service is one of expression and time-honored segments. It is lovely, spiritual, and comforting to those in attendance. It ushers in the recovery sequence that all who loved and cared for the decedent must experience.

I directed such a funeral this week. It was an honor to do so. Miss Rosie, the widow, loved her husband so much. Of that, there is no doubt.

Their children traveled home, back to the small town where they grew into adults. They were so tender with their mother. They anticipate the adjustments she will experience as she traverses grief recovery, and they endeavor to assist her through its trials.

It will be difficult for her. She is alone, and her children and grandchildren live very far away. I don’t know that she is up to extended travel. She may opt to ask them to travel to her periodically, especially on days that may be difficult; days of anniversaries and milestones.

The entire family, extended family included, arrived at the church with perfect timing. They were all dressed in beautiful royal blue with complimenting boutonnieres and corsages. They were orderly and lined up according to kinship for the procession. They were cooperative and considerate.

The preachers were eloquent. Their words brought comfort and solace and delivered hope for the future. The eulogist vacillated from humorous to serious tales, showing the realities of life’s highs and lows—his words causing reflections and inspiring promise.

At the conclusion of the service, one by one, this voluminous family passed by their loved one’s casket for their parting farewell. Each paused as if to bid adieu silently, and as they did, each reached into his casket and patted his shoulder.

GRIEF BRIEF 416

PATTING

Research has found that touch is vital for human beings when communicating emotions and maintaining relationships. During loss, emotions may be supercharged, thereby making comfort through touch a problematic or somewhat awkward situation to broach.

As the comforter, touching is a natural tendency; however, as the comforted, touch may be very disconcerting.

We might find ourselves in an uncomfortable stalemate of wanting to reach out to comfort, but not knowing what is acceptable or possibly offensive. We may not know what to say, what to do, or how to touch.

A handshake might be misconstrued as a congratulatory gesture, and a hug may overstep the boundaries of familiarity.

The key is to find a socially acceptable and comforting touch at such a vulnerable and hyper-emotional time. That touch might very well be patting.

Touch can activate particular areas of the brain which influence thought processes, reactions, feelings, emotions, and decision-making.

It can be calming and reassuring during times of distress, anxiety, and depression (PubMed.gov PMID: 27225036, DOI: 10.1177/1088868316650307) and can reduce feelings of loneliness and sadness. (National Library of Medicine PMCID:PMC7250541/PMID: 32837856)

Human touch improves the outcomes for those experiencing mental health conditions.

Patting is associated with a mother’s nurturing touch. It imparts the soothing comfort, love, and protection she offers her children during times of fear, growth, distress, and trial. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

The moment Miss Rosie dreaded was upon her. I looked her in the eyes and walked over to assist her. With my arm under hers, she rose to her feet. Weakly she took her first step and then another. She reached the casket, and I heard her soul break. I patted her hand, and then I wrapped my arm around her and patted her shoulder. I thought she would fall, but she mustered her strength and reached out to her beloved husband. She, in turn, patted him farewell as each of her family members had done before her.

She tried to turn and walk away but could not. She began to sob. She reached out to him once again and patted his head, hair, cheek, mouth, heart, hands, and shoulder, and then she hesitated. Before she walked away, she repeated her gestures of comfort, love, and protection to her husband and patted him adieu. She straightened his tie, kissed his cheek, and signaled me to close the casket.

She thought she could bear it, but she could not. Her knees, weak from emotional distress, failed her, and she was forced to sit down. Her children came forward and closed their dear father’s casket. It was done. They had seen him for the last time on earth.

We traveled to the cemetery, and amid the East Texas heat, her husband was interred. Her sobs were those of sadness, love, commitment, and triumph. Miss Rosie loved her husband; of that, there is no doubt. I believe he will be waiting to greet her when her time comes. And, as they embrace at the mercy seat, I believe he will pat her back, touch her cheek, and welcome her home.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

< Older Post Newer Post >

John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.