MISSING MICHAEL
Tracy Lee • July 31, 2020
Today is a weepy day for me. The clock has not yet struck noon and tears have already touched my cheeks numerous times. My daughter and her children have now left Texas. They have arrived at their new home in our nation’s capital. She and my grandchildren were reunited with my son-in-law after a five-month coronavirus imposed separation. I am so happy for them, yet my heart misses them immensely. My husband is there with them. He traveled there to help them get everything properly settled. They have been gone for nearly a week. My husband will fly home tonight. I will drive up to the Texarkana Airport after work and we will go out to dinner before returning home. I can’t wait to see him. I have really missed him.
Being alone this past week has presented a unique opportunity for me to contemplate many things. Not the least of which has been that of being alone. I have thought of the time my mother has spent over the past 35 years by herself. Although she is not a widow, my father has chosen to spend his time elsewhere. My mother has chosen to spend her time alone. She has suffered greatly because of her decision. Her health physically and mentally has deteriorated at warp speed. Her cognitive skills and quality of life are significantly diminished and her children worry that her life span has been shortened due to her great heartache.
Likewise, my son-in-law suffered greatly during the five months of quarantine imposed upon him through his military transfer freeze. During that time, his household goods were taken away from him, yet he was mandated to remain within the confines of an empty house. His children and wife could not survive without furniture, pots and pans, clothing, or food, so my husband and I brought them to Texas to stay with us. Unfortunately, as Hawaii was under total lockdown, my son-in-law remained alone, without even a TV for entertainment for five months. In my opinion, being locked down under such circumstances, without companionship, entertainment, nor any other type of stimulation, can cause health risks as well.
I have been home by myself since Sunday. Today is Thursday. I have had my i-pad, my i-phone, six open funeral cases, my funeral home staff, my smart TV, and my lap poodle to keep me company. These past five days have seemed like an eternity of emptiness to me. My appetite has suffered, of course, that is a positive, but everything that brings me joy is suspended. At night, after everyone has gone home, I sit by myself, wondering what to do. I have no one to chat with, no one to laugh with, no one to interact with. I have contemplated this extensively and I have realized that to me, what matters in life, are the people I love, not the things around me. I don’t care about expensive cars or clothes. I don’t care about going out to expensive restaurants, or the theatre. I don’t need an expensive vacation at a theme park, to fly over to Europe, or go to the beach. What I need are my family and a few close friends. That’s it for me.
So what do I do if I come to a place in life where I’m alone for more than five days? What if I find that I have to keep myself company for five months, or heaven forbid, thirty-five years like my mother? I don’t know that I could survive that.
I have friends who are widows. Some of them have been alone between five months and five years. Others, between five years and thirty-five years. Some are beyond that mark. How have they survived? How have they adapted?
It is interesting. I have spoken with many of my widowed friends. Each of them says the same thing to me when I ask them about this. They say that they don’t want to go through life single and alone; neither do they want to remarry. It seems that they feel that remarrying would disrespect their original marriage, however, they understand that to not be alone, they need to remarry. It seems a catch twenty-two and as time goes by, remarriage never materializes for them. Each has filled their lives with activities for assisting others; mainly those in need, their children, or their grandchildren, also volunteering. Nothing at all wrong with that. If you think about it, that’s sort of what we do as a married couple as we age. Our lives move toward assisting others, or spending time with others once we retire. Mainly, because we have extra time on our hands. We spend time with our children and grandchildren, helping out at the rec centers in our neighborhoods, or church, volunteering at the hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, or at other places. Life has its patterns whether we are married or single. I, for one, prefer it being married.
It is important to realize that when we are faced with time alone, especially when it is going to be a permanent or potentially permanent situation, we need to make accommodations for it. To successfully adjust to solitude or grief, we must give of ourselves. We must serve others. We cannot sit night after night watching TV or surfing our i-pads or smartphones for entertainment. Fulfillment is not obtained through the things we buy or do for ourselves, it is received by doing things and giving of ourselves to others.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.
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The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.