Grief Recovery Made Simple
Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020
As a funeral director and grief counselor, I am asked almost daily, how does one overcome grief. The answer to this question may seem complex, however, it is quite simple. Of course, simplicity does not indicate easy or rapid results.
It should be noted that recovery from losing a loved one is unlike any other, for that which causes our grief is precisely our remedy. When one loses the object of their affection, the happiness within their heart vaporizes and is filled with sadness, loneliness, and pain. Should that affection develop more profoundly into love, upon death’s arrival, the joyous euphoria held deeply within the soul will disappear. At that point, isolation, fear, denial, and all manner of insecurities attack the survivor, and if unchecked, are capable of strangling away one’s life.
In contrast, when a person falls ill, their desire for recovery is to overcome their illness and never experience it again. An example would be influenza. If you suffer a repeated propensity toward influenza, to ward off the ravaging beast, you might consider a flu shot at the beginning of each flu season. You might also wash your hands as the opportunity presents itself, and you might wholeheartedly avoid others who are ill with the influenza virus.
Consider financial recovery. When one has suffered a financial setback, recovery can be long, painful, and expensive. Although the sufferer may seek to replenish his resources, he will most likely avoid treading the treacherous waters that originally led him to bankruptcy. So follows the pattern in basically all avenues of loss. However, as previously mentioned, in the experience of the deepest grief known to mankind, the most devastating loss of all, we must continue to crave, seek, and satisfy that which has led us there; our undeniable need for love.
The recovery that we seek is often misunderstood. We think we must concern ourselves with recovering our abilities to function in our daily tasks and responsibilities. Indeed, one must be able to sustain one’s life through these obligations; however, doing so, only sustains physical life. These tasks and their responsibilities are easily accomplished on our behalf by any trustworthy friend. They are not tasks that will provide our recovery. Indeed, if we properly understand and focus on our recovery remedy, these daily tasks will return to us without much effort at all.
To obtain recovery from grief, one must reinvest into the very object that caused their grief initially. One must fill the void of lost love with more love. We mourn what we have lost - our loved one. We must now bestow and in turn collect that love from someone else.
One must also understand the nature of love. Even when the decedent is our spouse or significant other, the love lost is not romantic love; it is true love. Romantic love is merely an invitation to discover true love. True love develops deep within the folds of time, sacrifice, and experience. It is a deeper understanding that surpasses the heart and infiltrates the soul. True love then is the love that must be replenished. It is the most cherished, most elusive, most sought after, most misunderstood, and most difficult love to find, or is it?
Romantic love is based on fantasy, physical attraction, and mystery. These attributes, while exciting, are not virtuous and thereby render romantic love as fleeting as expelled breath. True love is charitable, eternal, and in many cases pre-existing. Unlike romantic love, true love will remain with you forever, even after your loved one is gone.
Is there a way to purposefully develop true love without failure? I present to you that indeed there is. I have often heard the phrase, “You can’t help who you love.” In my opinion this a false statement. In the art of choosing your life’s partner, it implies an irresponsibility of intentional action in the most important decision of one’s life. You may not be able to choose romantic attraction, however, one can always choose to walk away from a romance gone awry. Likewise, one may choose to nurture and develop true love when conditions present a favorable forecast conducive to future goals. One must simply define, focus, understand, and remain steadfast and uncompromising within the undeniable parameters set forth in developing true love.
I understand that those definitions do not line up with the general acceptance of “falling in love,” however, one should not fall into one’s future; one should pertinaciously create, cultivate, and maintain his or her future. And remember, we are not talking about romantic love. Romantic love does not bring grief recovery, it merely perpetuates it should the object of your affections prove unworthy of your devotion. We are seeking true love, abiding love; love that comforts, consoles, and saves the soul.
True love does not require a romantic interest at all. Parents and grandparents are prime examples of true love bestowed upon those lacking romantic possibilities. They fervently cherish, adore, and purely love their children and grandchildren unconditionally.
True love already resides within our beings. To experience it, however, we must awaken it. To awaken it, we must share it. True love is pure love. It is unselfish, unconditional, and graciously bestowed within our souls through God’s glorious nature. We must, therefore, familiarize ourselves with God’s nature to be successful in our quest for true love, a.k.a. pure love, or grief recovery’s elixir.
The Simplicity of Awakening True Love
To receive pure love, one must share pure love. The adages, “It is better to give than to receive,” and, “The more you give, the more you receive,” are truly applicable in this situation. In order to receive pure love, you must first give pure love. You must open your soul to receive God’s love and the love of those around you.
How do we develop this love we so desperately need and seek? The answer to that question is as simple as the knowledge of the remedy. Christ taught us during his life’s mission that “Charity never fails.” What then is charity?
Charity is the pure love of Christ. We must develop (as much as humanly possible) the pure or selfless nature of Christ in order to open our souls and receive our recovery. To give up our selfish natures and to serve others without expectations of payment or reciprocation are the only sure ways to develop pure love. Through service, we shift our inward focus outwardly. In doing so, our troubles are washed away as we wash away the troubles of others. Through sacrifice, pure love swells. This swelling fills the void created through lost love, redirects our focus away from our pain, overtakes our suffering, and eradicates the experience of grief.
The pains and risks of grief are eradicated through the simple act of serving others. True love is developed through charity and purity, it relieves our souls from the anguish lost love has created and offers us life and love renewed. Knowing these things, why wouldn’t every broken heart and suffering soul begin selfless service straight away? It is because self-absorption and self-pity are our nature. We must walk away from the nature of man and seek the nature of Christ. In doing so, we will receive pure love within our souls; grief recovery’s elixir.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.