My Grandson's Grief

Grief Brief 271

Child’s Grief

Children love without prejudice; therefore, their attachments are pure and deeply seated within their souls.

Upon the loss of a loved one, a child's grief may be extreme.

Children do not mourn on the same timetable as adults.

They tend to mourn in growth spurts of comprehension.

They may seem perfectly fine, and then out of the blue, you may notice signs that things are not alright.

The discussion of death is an important one that must be delivered on the child's level of understanding.

It may be that as the child matures and his/her understanding increases, the discussion of death needs to be revisited.

If a child is having difficulties with behavior, fear, sadness, loneliness, motivation, attachment, etc., consulting with a grief counselor might be advisable.

Parents might consider the value of common religious affiliation in their selection of a counselor for their child. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

My daughter lost her third child, a son, four years ago. Since then, she has delivered a lovely little daughter, whom we adore. She now has three living children. It seems that those four years have crawled by since that dreadful day of death. The pain I suffered from my grandson's loss was suffocating. At times, I wondered if I could live through it. I have missed him so much.

As time has passed, I have come to a place where I think of him every day with joy and laughter. I think of all of the things we would be doing if he were living. In my mind, I imagine him climbing trees, stomping in mud puddles, and hunting with his grandpa. That warms my heart. I miss him, and some days my heart aches for him. On those days, I say a prayer, and through heavenly messengers, send him a little message from my heart to his. I say good morning to him each and every day as I enter my funeral home because he is buried on the funeral home property. I had him buried here for a specific reason: I wanted to have him near me.

I think having him near me has helped me adjust to his death. Although he is deceased, he remains within my watchful gaze, and I can walk out of my door at any time to say hello, or have a quick glance at his headstone. It brings me comfort and gives me more time with him. My life is so busy that if I had to get in my car and drive to a cemetery, I would see him very little. Having him here next to me is a blessing.

My daughter and her family live in the northern United States. They only get to see his grave when they visit me. My surviving grandson misses his little brother most profoundly. He does not understand why his little brother had to die. My grandson is now eight years old. He has two little sisters to love, protect, and play with, but he still misses his brother and wishes he were alive.

Yesterday, my daughter miscarried her current pregnancy. My grandson is taking it hard. He doesn't understand why their family has lost another child or why there is not a baby to bury.

As I spoke with him on the phone last night, I asked him if he remembered how some of the seeds we planted in our garden pots last year didn't grow. He said that he did. I asked him if he knew why. He said he did not know why, because he had watered, fertilized, and tended all the pots of seeds equally. I explained that even when we do all that we know to do, sometimes, scientifically, something is missing, and things do not work out. I continued and explained that pregnancy is scientific too. And, sometimes, without knowing why, and even when we have done everything correctly, they don't work out either. That is when a miscarriage occurs. He was comforted by my words because he could relate them to his living experience with the garden. He was able to accept the result based on scientific trial and evidence within his level of understanding.

My grandson will continue to mourn the loss of his two siblings, but he now has some understanding of miscarriage. That understanding will make his recovery from this second loss easier to accept and facilitate his recovery. As time passes by, each time his understanding of the world and how things work increases, he will revisit his concept of death. I hope at each of his intervals, I will have cohesive and relatable answers for him.

My daughter and her family will travel to Texas for the Christmas season. She will visit her son's grave at my funeral home. Her son and the rest of her family will too. I will give them a moment in privacy, and then I will join them. My grandchildren will set little gifts upon their brother's headstone, and we will sing him some Christmas carols. My grandchildren will include their little brother in their Christmas traditions, and then they will return to their home up north until summer arrives.

Until that time, I will say hello to my grandson every morning as I arrive at my funeral home for work. Once my grandchildren return for summer, we will do it together. That is our life with one of our babies lying in the earth.

As we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, I give thanks for His life and for His redeeming sacrifice for all who live. Because of Him, I have hope that my grandson and our recently miscarried baby will one day reunite with our family. I invite you to join me in celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. And, like me, I hope you will find comfort in His promise of immortality and redemption. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

I pray the peace that Christ offers us will fill your heart and home this holiday season and that you will find joy in your life again. "For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace" Isaiah 9:6.

May God and His boundless peace be with you; Merry Christmas.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the "Mikey Joe Children's Memorial" and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB's Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.