Peace and Rest
Tracy Renee Lee • May 26, 2020
Perhaps it is my work, however, it is not unusual for me to wonder about what type of death I will experience. Earlier this week, I received a death call to a home in close proximity my funeral home. The following morning the decedent’s daughter came in from Dallas to take care of her mother’s final arrangements. The decedent died suddenly, either in her sleep or as she began relaxing for the evening. She was in her bedclothes, sitting in front of her television when she was found.
Before arrival, the daughter began calling the funeral home on her way to East Texas from Dallas. Her mother was to be cremated, and she wanted to ensure that she would be able to see her before cremation took place.
Cremation is a unique circumstance in the process of laying a loved one to rest. The Federal Trade Commission stipulates that a dead human body must be embalmed, buried (if unembalmed), or cremated within 24 hours of death. If embalming, burial, or cremation are delayed beyond the 24-hour mark, the body must be refrigerated at a specified temperature as arrangements, permits, and consents are gathered. If proper care of the decedent will be delayed beyond a particular number of hours, refrigerated holding facilities begin imposing hefty fees for storing unembalmed bodies.
The decedent’s daughter arrived at the funeral home in time to view her mother prior to cremation. The suddenness of her mother’s death was very apparent as her daughter began crying, shaking, and calling out for her mother as she entered the funeral home.
Grief Brief 116
Sudden Death – No Warning
Sudden deaths are those that occur without warning.
These types of death require special understanding and intervention.
Sudden deaths are more difficult to grieve and recover from than other deaths that give some warning.
Advance warning that death is coming allows family and friends time to prepare for their imminent loss.
Survivors of sudden death may find it beneficial to consult with a counselor, especially in the case of violence. (Mourning Light II, 2016)
Survivors may feel rage, impatience, confusion, or a sense of helplessness as the reality of death sets in. In such cases, seeing the decedent and planning or arranging final services can play a significant role in recovery.
Grief Brief 124
Sudden Death – Helplessness
In the case of sudden death, survivors may suffer from a sense of helplessness.
This feeling affects the survivor’s ability to function in an orderly fashion and negates one’s sense of power.
Often these feelings of helplessness lead to an incredible sense of rage.
Survivors may find that they are expressing aggression toward those who have or those who are trying to help.
These expressions may help the survivor deal more openly with their feelings; however, if they follow through with retribution, the situation needs immediate action. (Mourning Light II, 2016)
Certain survivors of sudden death withdraw from reality while others may seem animated. As they arrange and manage the final issues of a loved one’s life, either withdrawn or animated survivors may quickly become aggressive. The survivor may also begin creating a pseudo-reality, acting as though they either are the decedent or that they have a direct line of communication with, or impressions from, their loved-one. They may vocalize that they know exactly what the decedent’s choices and wishes for services are, or that they know more than anyone else around about the choices and preferences of the deceased. They tend to become boisterous, bossy, and even bullyish toward the other survivors within the immediate circle of kinship. This type of behavior may ostracize others within the family circle and cause hurt feelings or disconnections. These are precisely the outcomes that families and funeral directors should try to avoid.
My client and her family finalized her mother’s arrangements and I offered to extend a final moment for farewell. She and her brother entered the room to see her mother and her second visit with her mother went much more comfortably and controlled. The simple task of arranging for her mother’s final moments on earth offered her calmness and comfort which were previously out of her reach. I am confident that the memorial service will comfort her even more.
It is important to understand the significance of a final farewell and service to those we love. My client understands that now that she has experienced it. Her mother died suddenly, at peace in her home, preparing for an evening of quiet rest. I hope that when my time comes, I go under the same circumstances.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.