Steve Carree II - First Year Death Anniversary
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
I called my friend this morning. This week marks the 1st anniversary of her husband’s death. Even though I am a grief counselor, I suffer grief just like everyone else, and I try to avoid it, just like everyone else. My friend and her husband are my and my husband’s best friends. We traveled to Florida last year to bury him.
My friend’s name is Carrie. Carrie and I suffered through the 1st Gulf war, as young mothers, while our husbands were off fighting for our nation. We became great friends as we served our husbands’ command as Ombudsman and Key Wife. Those were difficult times. Back then, I thought nothing would ever compare to the pain we endured during our husband’s absences as they fought in the war. I was wrong, Steve’s death far outweighs our sufferings back then.
My phone call to Carrie this morning was a happy one. She is doing so well. We spoke about her experience, and she gave me some great information.
She asked me if I remembered the cycles of adjustment that military wives experience when their husbands leave for their six-month tour overseas. I said that I did, and she told me that she had experienced the same cycles as a widow.
Cycle one, lasting approximately two months, is filled with missing your loved one. In losing her husband, she would first experience the realization that death had occurred, then loneliness, sadness, reclusiveness, yearning, longing, and grief. It is a time filled with avoidance and adjustment. Because your spouse has disappeared, your social activities disappear too. You are uncomfortable eating out by yourself, you no longer go out to the movies because you are alone, and your friends who are participating in couple’s activities no longer invite you to join because you make their teams uneven.
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SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL
People who have recently lost a loved one may tend to withdraw from family or friends in intimate and social situations.
This tendency is generally brief and usually corrects itself without intervention.
If one continues to withdraw from social interactions over an extended length of time, one might find it comforting to consult with a counselor. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
Cycle two, lasting approximately two months, ushers in extreme frustration, anger, and regret. The anger, due to extreme frustration, brings on even more profound loneliness followed by possible feelings of guilt. It is a time when the widow/widower realizes that she/he must now do all of the things her husband/his wife used to do. It is also about the time that everything begins to breakdown from a lack of maintenance. One may become frustrated or angry at his/her children, friends, appliances, plumbing, dandelions, employer, work associates, etc. Children, too, are suffering these same issues and may begin to become extremely unruly. They may begin participating in dangerous activities. This is the cycle where one realizes and accepts that they must step up, take on their spouse’s responsibilities, and take care of business.
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DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS
Many survivors resent having to develop new skills that were once performed by their deceased loved one.
This is a normal reaction to your loss.
The key to recovery is to either learn the skill yourself or find someone who will do it for you.
In both scenarios, your reward is growth, either personally or socially.
In both circumstances, your movement toward recovery is positive. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
Cycle three, lasting approximately two months, is the time where one sees their frustrations and anger subside. They have adjusted to being alone, and they have mastered the tasks necessary to keep life, family, home, and work functioning. They have learned to juggle their responsibilities along with those typically assigned to their spouse. They have become very independent. They are now planning their schedule without consideration of their spouse’s preferences or needs. They have probably met and made new friends who may be in the same boat as they are, and have possibly developed new interests, hobbies, skills, and attitudes.
At this juncture, the military wife is faced with the return of her husband. Many are pleased to see them return; some are not. A military wife must now readjust herself to partner with her husband, handing back his responsibilities, considering his preferences, and compromising on decisions. She may need to give us new friends who remain single with single interests and activities. She may find that her husband’s methods and habits are frustrating. She may feel just as angry at allowing her husband back into his role as she was when she was forced to take it on herself. This situation can be confusing and difficult to overcome in the relatively short time necessary to save one’s marriage.
On the other hand, at the end of six months, Carrie found that she was liberated. People would ask her how she was doing with worry and sadness in their countenance and were then surprised when she was just fine and back to her old jovial self. At six months (the average grief recovery time), Carrie was doing well.
Of course, anyone who knows Carrie would expect her to be fine within six months. She is a strong, capable, determined, intelligent, talented, kind, caring, and spiritual woman. She renders heartfelt service and involves herself in improving the world for those around her. She is selfless and shares her talents without reserve. In short, she is a woman who strives to live a righteous life and endeavors to help others along the same path. She is golden.
I asked Carrie what she would do to mark Steve’s death anniversary. She said that Steve really liked eating Japanese hibachi, so each of their children, and their families, will be eating dinner at a Japanese hibachi restaurant for dinner and then texting pictures to each other. I asked if Michael (my husband) and I could participate.
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TRADITIONS
Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.
Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still, through the activities and love we shared.
Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.
Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
Eating dinner at their dad’s favorite type of restaurant, in the various cities that his children live in, is a wonderful way to continue a family tradition. It honors their dad and brings them all together even though they are far apart. It also passes his legacy on to his grandchildren. A bonus will be the pictures taken year after year and collected for family history. Carrie will cherish them, and after she is gone, so too will her children and grandchildren.
Tomorrow will be Steve’s first death anniversary. Carrie said that her week has been difficult. She feels like she has lost the ground she has gained over the past year. She is sad, lonely, and somewhat reclusive. This is a typical experience. The anniversary of the death, and especially the days leading up to it, are rough days to live through. They bring back into focus the magnitude of the survivor’s loss. After it passes, Carrie will find that she will spring right back into the swing of life, activities, and focus will return to her new normal, and she will be fine.
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SPECIAL DAYS
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are incredibly stressful for survivors of loss.
The anticipation of these critical dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.
If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
I am honored and thankful that Carrie is allowing us to participate in her new family tradition. Steve’s death was shocking and painful for Michael and me, and we need this tradition to honor, remember, and recover from our friend’s death. Carrie and Steve remain my and Michael’s dearest friends.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.