PUSHING PAST THE PAIN AND SORROW OF LOSS, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND ABANDONMENT Part Three Reaching Out

When I was a young mother, I told my sweet daughter that a kiss from mommy made everything better. She quickly agreed with me and ran off to play as though her boo boo was non-existent. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could accept that same concept as adults? What if we were there for friends, neighbors, associates, and strangers in need like we are there for our children? Imagine the happiness we would spread if we comforted the broken-hearted, provided for the needy, and chased away the demons that infiltrate the minds and souls of those who wander. Just doing those few things would make the world such a better place.

Acts of service should never be conditional. They should be freely given through a spirit of love and selflessness. Many people feel very lonely and abandoned when suffering loss. It is a time riddled with fear and agony. It is also a time when a tiny bit of kindness can produce miraculous results.

At the loss of a significant loved one, the survivor is often in a very vulnerable place. A highly functional person may suddenly find themselves unable to complete the simplest of tasks. A sociable person may suddenly become reclusive. One cannot predict the effects of loss and others should render assistance rather than formulate and offer judgments.

As human beings we strive to be good people; to improve society rather than impede or degrade it. We are naturally social, and seek out relationships that enrich our lives. As we make alliances and build our families, we invest in our future through love and attachments. Although we know that all life ends, to date, there is no way to shield ourselves from the pain that accompanies death. The pain of lost attachment is inevitable. Our charge is to assist each other through it.

I often write about the blessings, beauty, and miracles of service and forgiveness. Today, however, I want to add a task that facilitates these amazing virtues. This task is a conduit that eases the pain, loneliness, and suffering of grief. It is simply reaching out to each other.

Whether you are the survivor or the supporter, reaching out is one of the most important things you can do when someone has died. As a survivor, reaching out to others is extremely difficult. A survivor is vulnerable, unsure, weak in mind, body, and spirit, and afraid. Survivors are depleted of energy, their minds are swimming in a pool of confusion, and they do not know where to turn for help. As a supporter offering love, gentle guidance, and genuine concern are the greatest gifts at your disposal.

Sometimes supporters feel lost and unsure of how to help. In such a circumstance, reaching out to Christ for guidance is your best avenue. Spiritual inspiration will yield answers and ideas that you would not have considered otherwise. Survivors will suffer long days and dark nights, however, with your support, they will benefit and feel better. They will feel their souls open and healing will begin.

Reaching out to survivors as they suffer helps supporters through sufferings of their own. Offering your support helps move your focus off of your own pains. It liberates your mind from any congestion (aka. mind fog) and frees you to accept inspiration that might assist you in recovery. How amazing is it that helping another human being through their pain of grief not only helps you recover from your own issues, but reveals the path to helping others even more? Assisting and helping others is an act of selfless love. It magnifies spiritual growth, increases joy and love, and reveals the purpose of life.

To begin helping a survivor, one need do no more than simply show up. Being there is more than others are doing, and it demonstrates your love and sincere concern for the survivor.

It is often difficult to know what to say. In such circumstances, my suggestion is to simply listen. Even when all you hear is silence, listening through the silence allows the survivor to work through the chaos rushing through his/her brain. Your presence, silence, and patience shore the survivor up and allow him/her to begin organizing his/her thoughts. In actuality, the survivor is not ready to speak, and is incapable of listening. They need your support rather than your prattle. They need to begin reorganizing the chaos within their minds, and to do so, they need silence accompanied by spiritual and physical support. By being there, listening to the silence in the room, you are calming their fears without interruption or interference. You are opening the gates to the healing process. You are providing precisely what they need.

Nurture and minister to your survivor with authenticity and sincerity. Listen to your heart and act upon inspiration. Allow your soul to connect with their soul. Losing a loved one is a spiritual wound; an ailment to the soul. Therefore, it follows that recovery must also be spiritual; a restoration of the soul. Words need not be spoken when souls commune.

If someone is going through tragedy, don’t stay away from them. That’s the coward’s way out. Don’t just give them their space, that’s not what they need. To be a friend, and to truly help them through this tragic time, we must be willing to lift their burdens by taking them upon ourselves. Sometimes doing so is inconvenient and quite often uncomfortable, but that is the secret to helping each other.

Be the answer to someone’s nightmare by reaching out to them in their time of need. Show up when others won’t, and listen when silence fills the room. Nurture and minister the broken-hearted as they mourn their loss and you will lift their burdens of grief. That’s what we do when life gets tough. That’s what we do when we love one another.

As we celebrate the Christmas season, I hope we will reflect upon the great examples of love, service, and sacrifice set before us by our Lord, Jesus Christ, during his brief, yet holy life. His love was so pure that he withstood unparalleled brutality and laid down his life for us. Before his death, he offered us peace and a pathway back to our heavenly home. All we need to do is follow his counsel.

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you.

John 15:12

Merry Christmas

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” at https://open.spotify.com/show/7MHPy4ctu9OLvdp2JzQsAA or at https://anchor.fm/tracy874 and follow me on Instagram at "Deadline_TracyLee".

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.