Suicide Part II - Preventing It
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
PREVENTING SUICIDE, Tip 1
If you spot the warning signs of suicide in someone you know, you may wonder what you should do. Should you say something to them? What if you are wrong and you offend your friend? Personally, I would rather lose a friend because I offended them rather than lose a friend and have to bury him or her. Usually, if a person talks about suicide or shows other warning signs, they need immediate help. Healthy people do not flirt, jest, or hint about suicide.
SUICIDE PREVENTION TIP #1: JUST ASK
The best way to know if someone is suicidal is to ask them. Being direct eliminates any waste of time, a luxury you and your friend may not have. It demonstrates to your friend that you care about them and that you are willing to help them. You cannot make a person suicidal by showing that you care, and although they might not answer your question honestly, offering them an avenue to relieve their thoughts and feelings of loneliness and hopelessness, might prevent a planned suicidal attempt.
Starting the Conversation
When you suspect a friend or family member may be suicidal, starting the “I think you may be suicidal,” conversation can be difficult to broach. I always find that an honest statement of concern, followed by an open-ended question lets them know that you are genuinely concerned and there to help.
"I have been a little concerned for you lately, are you doing okay?"
"I have noticed a few differences in you lately, how you are doing?"
"I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately, is everything alright?"
Exploratory Questions
Once your family member or friend has confirmed that there is indeed something wrong, you may need to explore the depth of their pain and their coping abilities.
"When did you begin feeling like this?"
"Did something happen to make you start feeling this way?"
"What can I do to help you right now?"
"Have you thought about seeking professional assistance?"
Offer Comfort
You cannot fix a suicidal person's problems, however, an offer of comfort may stave off an attempt on their life long enough for help to arrive. Your most important task is to delay any attempt of death, if possible until professional assistance is present.
"You are not alone in this. I am here for you."
"You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change."
"I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you, and I want to help you through this."
"When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage."
WHEN TALKING TO A SUICIDAL PERSON
Be Yourself
Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. Your voice and manner will show your concern.
Listen
Let the suicidal person do the talking. They need to unload despair and ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
Do Not Judge
Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, and accepting. Your role is to allow this person to release the emotions that are threatening his or her life, not to judge him or her for them.
Offer Hope
Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
Take their Words Seriously
If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas into his or her head, you are showing that you are concerned, that you take him or her seriously, and that it’s OK to share his or her pain with you.
THINGS TO AVOID
Avoid Reasoning
Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," “Look on the bright side,” or “Suicide is wrong.”
Avoid Promising Confidentiality
Refuse to promise secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional or to law enforcement to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
Avoid Offering Solutions to Their Problems
Suicide is not about how bad a problem is; suicide is about irresolvable pain.
Avoid Self-Blame
People are amazingly good at hiding their loneliness and depression. It is not your responsibility to know when someone is unhappy, nor is it your responsibility to “fix” them when they are depressed. Depression requires professional assistance and quite often medication. If you notice an alarming change in behavior and feel safe and confident enough to investigate your suspicion, go ahead. If not, call 911, and ask someone who is qualified to help your friend or family member. (Metanoia.org, Helpguide.org)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.