Suicide Part I - Recognizing a Suicidal Person
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Last year, I worked diligently at acquiring a placement for my mother and my aunt in an assisted living facility. They reside just across the hall from each other in a lovely facility about 20 minutes from my home. Although I am very happy with the facility and their services, I am not sure my mother and aunt are nearly as satisfied. They miss their health and their independence, and they naturally blame the center’s employees for their loss of emancipation.
Since their move there, I have seen a change in their attitudes. My mother and my aunt have become less and less cooperative with the staff. They both suffer extreme pain and depend on prescription medications to manage their quality of life. Recently, I have noticed an increase in self-destructive behavior from my aunt. I have addressed this with her and she has been unwilling to discuss it calmly and politely. She angrily strikes at me with menacing words, tells me that her choices are her choices, and insists that I should leave her alone.
I would be happy to accommodate my aunt’s request to leave her alone except that I love her and she has no children nor anyone else to care for her. My aunt only has my mother’s children to care for her as she ages. If we were to walk away, there would be no one to manage her end of life care. I live the closest to the assisted living facility, so I am usually the relative called upon when a family member is needed.
Last week I requested that my aunt willfully place herself in a behavioral unit for medication evaluation and possible modification. At first, my aunt was very angry with me, but I remained firm in my request. As a funeral director, I have witnessed many methods of suicide and my aunt vocalized a disregard for life during our conversations. Although I did not know beyond question if my aunt were suicidal, I believed she was nearing a cliff that I did not want to see her approach. With the extreme changes in her behavior and medical condition, my aunt agreed to voluntarily enter the behavioral unit at the local hospital, and we have seen an immediate improvement in her psychological balance.
Late last night I received a call from the local area coroner. There was a suicide not far from my home. As I prepared myself for travel to the place of suicide, I said a quick prayer of thanksgiving to my Father in Heaven. I am so thankful that my aunt was strong enough to agree to admit herself into the behavioral unit at the hospital and get the medical treatment that she so desperately needed before something tragic happened to her at her own hand. As I looked into the faces last night of the adult children of the decedent and spoke with them about what will happen today when they must come to the funeral home and arrange for their father’s final moments before burial, my heart ripped right in half for the pain they were suffering. I wished in my heart that someone could have seen that their father was nearing a dangerous cliff before he ended his life and had been able to help him seek assistance.
The best way to prevent suicide is to recognize the warning signs and know how to respond to them. If you believe that a friend or family member is suicidal, or might become suicidal, seek immediate assistance. If the suicidal person is not dangerous, do not leave them until help arrives. If their state of mind or actions are dangerous to your safety, you must protect yourself by leaving, but, please, call 911, and let trained law enforcement and medical personnel help them.
Suicide Warning Signs
Talking About Suicide, Dying, or Self Harm
“I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” or “I’d be better off dead.”
Seeking Out Lethal Means
Guns, pills, knives, etc.
Preoccupation with Death
Consumed with poems, stories, books, movies, drawings, etc. about death.
No Hope for the Future
Feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped ("There's no way out"). The belief that things will never get better or change.
Self-loathing, Self-hatred
Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden. ("Everyone would be better off without me").
Getting Affairs In Order
Making out a will. Giving away possessions.
Saying Goodbye
Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won't be seen again.
Withdrawing from Others
Increasing social isolation. The desire to be left alone.
Self-destructive Behavior
Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a "death wish."
Sudden Sense of Calm
A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide. (HelpGuide.org, Warning Signs of Suicide)
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services states that at least 90 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from one or more mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or alcoholism. These are serious conditions and require professional assistance. Please do not take the responsibility of preventing suicide upon yourself. Disorders and dependencies such as these require trained and professional assistance. Your role is to recognize the need for assistance, help obtain the assistance, and offer support through treatment and recovery. Doing these three things could help save someone's life.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.