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The Growing Threat of Complicated Grief
Tracy Lee • May 26, 2020
I taught a continuing education course at a University in a neighboring state this morning. My course was centered on grief, in particular, the role of funeral service within the grief recovery experience.
When I was a funeral service student, my professors would always talk about the need for funeral service to evolve into something more modern; otherwise, they said, it would become obsolete. There were ideas about celebrations, facilitations, new methods, and new products. It was somewhat apparent that some instructors had forgotten that the profession was funeral services, not retail funeral merchandising.
Now that I have been a funeral director for a good while, I have seen what some of my teachers could not. They understood that funeral service needed to update something, but the something eluded them.
As a licensed funeral director, certified grief counselor, and funeral home owner, my perspective on funeral service is broad. I function daily as a funeral home employee. After hours, I function as a business owner, analyzing numbers and products, and economizing here, while expanding there. Working in both capacities has opened my eyes to many opportunities for improvement within my profession.
During the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, families lived centralized on family properties. On those properties, families would expand across generations. Quite often, you would see great grandparents, grandparents, parents, and children all living within the same house. The houses were large in order to accommodate the generations of offspring.
When great grandparents and grandparents began suffering illnesses, their children and grandchildren would take shifts caring for them. This care was most often offered through the females within the family as the males were out working, farming, and ranching. When death would strike, those same family members would wash and prepare their loved ones for burial. The decedent would be placed for viewing in the parlor, and family and friends would travel to participate in laying the loved one to rest.
As the twentieth century dawned, the world experienced a revolution in technology and urbanization. The younger generations moved away from the “home place” and into big cities where work was offered for skilled and unskilled laborers. Birth control was developed so homes began decreasing in size.
Back on the “home place” when a great grandparent or grandparent fell ill, there was no longer a caregiver structure available, so they were moved into nursing facilities. The younger generations suffered embarrassment over their lack of participation in the care of their loved ones. This increased generational separation, and younger folks began ignoring the reality of their dying loved ones.
As the life cycle ended, we saw the necessity for funeral homes to emerge. Nursing homes would call funeral homes as there were no family members within the area to collect and prepare the loved one for burial. Due to the demands of work, extended families were also short of additional days necessary to arrange, prepare, and offer services.
Now that the twenty-first century is upon us, we see that people are seeking options to traditional burials. Green burials, cremation, and an array of fringy options are seeing an increase in popularity. We see a new movement of isolation brought on through the extreme application of device usage. Families that once resided within the same household barely even know each other, and modern contact is generally through electronic communications rather than person to person. Human beings, however, are innately drawn to heritage and require the basic needs of Maslow’s Theory of Hierarchy. Technology and a tiny urbanization footprint interfere with the realization of our needs. Self-actualization is more challenging to attain as families no longer support the progression of subsequent generations. Esteem is diminished as virtual profiles grow in falsehoods, and virtual friends dissipate according to viral trends. Loving and belonging are based upon pseudo online celebrity and therefore vanish at the drop of a faux pas. Safety no longer exists as privacy is obsolete. Lastly, with the ever-shrinking livable footprint allotted to individuals, physiological needs are less and less sustainable. The disappearance of fulfillment for our basic needs creates all sorts of physiological, psychological, emotional, and spiritual pathologies. And right there is where we find the absolute growing demand for funeral service. It is human isolation that has created the increases in complicated grief scenarios and social psychological pathologies brought on by today’s trends of virtual existence.
So now, we have identified the change that my professors were grappling to identify. With the dissolution of reality trying to coexist with the survival needs of isolated human beings, how does funeral service adjust itself to provide the necessary care required by survivors sinking under a mountain of complicated grief?
Funeral directors are those who have the most experience with death and its aftermath of grief; therefore, without familial support for survivors, funeral directors are the ones to whom the responsibility of grief recovery has fallen. The problem exists in that funeral education has not caught up with the needs of the profession. Funeral practitioners are receiving credentials while being ill-equipped to understand and provide for the psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physiological needs of their clients.
Funeral homes are realizing that more is necessary as they are pressed upon by survivors for assistance and direction for recovery. The lack of familial support and human to human experiences is that more and more survivors are suffering exaggerated, extended, and complicated grief.
The funeral profession must expand educational requirements if they expect to provide for the expanding needs of their clients. Funeral professionals need academic instruction in grief and complicated grief, recovery psychology. Without adopting these fine arts into the educational requirements of funeral professionals, survivors will continue to suffer increasingly complicated recoveries.
Psychological and psychiatric therapies fail survivors as they do not encompass the science of pathological grief nor incorporate the vast knowledge and experience of the funeral profession. Research studies show 70% of complicated grief sufferers obtain improvement with the assistance of certified grief counselor and licensed therapist knowledgeable in complicated grief treatment. (Columbia University, School of Complicated Grief Therapy) With those facts in mind, it seems evident that the funeral industry needs to increase the educational qualifications of its professionals.
A baccalaureate degree in Funeral Arts with a minor in Grief Psychology studies would most likely be necessary to obtain the additional educational requirements. Currently, we see that only Minnesota and Ohio require a bachelor’s degree in funeral arts. Iowa is considering upping their requirements to a bachelor’s degree as their educational requirements have not changed within the last 60 years. (Des Moines Register May 2018) While the majority of states require at least an associate’s degree in being licensed as a funeral director/embalmer, some states do not. There are no educational requirements for funeral directors in Hawaii or Alaska. Additionally, states like Texas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Arkansas have opted for a director’s only license where a student may sit for the Conference exam after obtaining a lower portion of funeral arts credits. Decreasing or stalling the educational requirements for a licensed human services profession seems counterproductive; however, some states feel otherwise.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.