Self Esteem
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
The problem with grief, well actually, there are many, but the one I shall attempt to address today is that not only is grief an assault on your heart, but it is also an assault on your self-esteem. Loss, when it is someone with whom your identity is attached, attacks the very core of who you are. Your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-identity are all suddenly called into question, internally. Suddenly, you don’t know who you are, what your purpose is, or if you can even survive in the new reality of your life. It is an all-out attack on your survival.
We have seen in the past that one person’s death can cause another’s. For instance, consider Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher; a case of mother and daughter dying just days apart. Some call this “dying from a broken heart.” In actuality, that assessment is not off-base. The stress of losing someone with whom you have attached all that you are, all that you do, your very soul, and even your purpose in life, brings on such damage physically, that yes, the heart may fail, and life may end.
Fortunately, most survivors will indeed survive the death of a loved one, and most survive with a healthy, albeit painful, grief recovery. There are those, however, between 20% and 30% who will suffer extreme complications and, if not treated, may within a short period, suffer death themselves.
If you are a mother whose life, above all else, is loving and caring for your children, your self-identity is probably based on being a mom. The loss of even one of your children may be enough to rob you of your self-value and crush your self-esteem. If the loss were brutal, as in murder, or genetically based, your recovery will most likely be riddled with physical and psychological issues. Were you my client, in this type of case, before the funeral even happens, I would suggest counseling. This scenario is more than you should ever bear, especially without help.
If you are a marriage partner, let’s say for 20 years or longer, your primary identity is most likely that of a spouse. The loss of your spouse is the involuntary dissolution of your marriage. In this type of loss, not only has the baseline of your identity been destroyed, you may find yourself in a critical jam financially. Losing your marriage partner could cause the loss of your home, your social standing, your income, and many other things. Widowed partners generally recover without the complications suffered by parents losing a child; however, facing the rest of your life alone is a very daunting reality. Statistically, 20 plus widows out of 100 will need the assistance of a grief counselor.
Your identity is your reason, your focus, and your purpose for living. Once your identity is gone, quite often, your self-value is gone. Each day that your self-value is absent, your self-esteem falls deeper and deeper into hopelessness and self-loathing. You are left with emptiness, fear, anger, sorrow, sadness, loneliness, and a host of other horrible issues battering you to the brink of death. If you do not do something to help yourself, you may not make it out of this pit of devastation.
This point in your existence is where your clergy, church family, and friends try to assist you and your family to recover from your horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, once you slide into complicated grief or depression, the likelihood of recovery is absent without the assistance of a trained grief specialist or mental health practitioner. Even your medical doctor can only treat the symptoms caused by your grief. His medications will not address the underlying cause of your illnesses, and therefore, they will remain. Once your self-esteem has been stolen from you – you must seek help.
Neither your certified grief counselor, licensed grief psychologist, nor drugs will cure your grief. You must understand that grief will be a part of you as long as your love for the decedent remains in your heart. Your grief specialist will merely seek to direct you to a place where you can manage, and live healthily, within your new reality. Even after your therapy sessions have concluded, grief will revisit you from time to time, especially during significant events such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It will also resurface with certain aromas, locations, music, tokens, and sounds. Grief is unpredictable. It is a relentless beast.
Self-medicating and illegal drugs exacerbate the loss of self-worth and hopelessness. They steal away and destroy your future. Please do not disrespect yourself with them and rob yourself of your potential to recover. Whether you know it or not, you matter. You have wisdom and love to contribute to the lives of those about you.
Merry Christmas, dear readers. Even though you may not know me, you and everyone suffering loss and grief matter to me. It is my life’s quest to assist the bereaved and lighten the burdens of grief. If you are suffering during this holiday season, I implore you to reach out to those around you. Nurturing friendship and diligently seeking the companionship of Christ will be your greatest comforts this season.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.