Mikey Joe XVI - Keys to Success
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
I am a survivor of significant loss. The past year of my life has been challenging, filled with sadness, and riddled with overwhelming internal insecurity of self. I have questioned my parenting, my discernment, my commitment, and my strength. I second guess my decisions, both personally and professionally. Grief does that. It changes everything and it is a battle to keep or regain control of one’s innermost self. It attacks you from within; your soul, your confidence, your health, and everything else. It brings into question your abilities and judgments. In short, it confuses you and turns your perceptions of life and self, upside down. Most people will recover without intervention; however, some experience a far greater battle.
Grief Brief 292
Complicated Grief
Complicated grief is a form of persistent and pervasive grief that does not allow one to recover naturally.
Complicated grief increases the risk of physical and mental illnesses.
Depression, anxiety, sleep and eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors are prevalent in complicated grief experiences.
Physical illnesses increase for those who suffer complicated grief in the form of heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, blood clots, and cancer.
Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones can help with physical and mental health issues related to normal grief. However, survivors suffering complicated grief are unable to recover without professional assistance. (Mourning Light III, 2019)
Considering the above Grief Brief, one might ask, “Oh my, what can I do to avoid complicated grief?” Over the last year, I have asked myself that very question. In the final paragraph of Grief Brief 292, we find four simple and proven suggestions that assist us in avoiding the throes of complicated grief. Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones sound very easy to do. Indeed, these four little suggestions seem to be a natural course, one that all human beings would take. Unfortunately, not only do we not feel like doing them, in our compromised state of mind, we may lack the motivation to act upon them. We must realize that although these are natural course recoveries, they do not magically happen on their own.
How then, do we utilize this natural course of recovery? The answer is revealed in Grief Brief 293.
Grief Brief 293
3 Keys to Recovery
1. Commitment
a. You must choose to become better rather than bitter.
2. Action
a. Action is movement. You must move every day towards recovery by actively investing your commitment to become better.
3. Counseling
a. Studies show that survivors utilizing grief counseling can recover three times faster than those going it alone. (Mourning Light III, 2019)
How simple is that? Of course, movement requires action. We know that motion will not happen without some sort of motivating force. And of course, initiated force requires a commitment to maintain. That is pure science learned in grade school.
The surprising key to me is counseling. Who would have guessed that counseling could cut recovery time by two thirds? Is there anyone who wants to endure the ravages of grief longer than any time at all? That tidbit alone is worthy of utilization.
The problem of complicated grief materializes for several reasons, however, if we utilize the “Three Keys to Recovery” (Commitment, Action, and Counseling) and apply them to the “Four Natural Courses of Recovery” (exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones), our chances for a good and swift recovery are magnified. Ignoring these mechanisms increases our chances of recovery failure and our experience may become complicated. Healing may fail to materialize without professional assistance.
In reflection, I already knew these simple recoveries and keys. I utilized each of them to escape the clutches that grief imposed upon me this past year. Even so, recovery has not been lightening swift or easy.
There remain days that I lament over my loss. The difference is, however, that those days are fewer and more manageable, and in the midst of them, I know that I have beaten grief’s stifling suffocations. My pain will forever dwell within me because my love for my lost grandson will forever rest in my soul. Pain, however, no longer rules every moment of my life.
Truth revealed is truth affirmed. The answers are so simple, and we already know them within ourselves. We must assert ourselves to become the masters of our actions and rely upon a higher power than ourselves for inspirational guidance. We must do these things whether we feel like it or not. If we do not, grief will win, and we will be its slave.
I am grateful that I was able to utilize Grief Briefs 292 and 293 this past year. Through their application, I was able to return to a place of love and happiness. I have nine living grandchildren and one deceased. Although my heart is broken for the one who has passed, it finally lives again for those who remain.
I believe that families are forever. I believe that I will see my grandson again when my soul passes through the veil of heaven. I look forward to that day. I also look forward to living out the rest of my life with my living grandchildren and never missing one moment of being with them.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.